some nights
by amy like the pond
Summary: adult; kid. mature. young. while these terms aren't completely contradictory, the core meaning is obvious: jeff is too old and annie is too young. and some nights that knowledge is less than comfortable. inspired by fun.'s 'some nights'. high t.


**an1**. _hey! first community fanfic! this kind of just appeared on a word document. so here! take it! *thrusts fanfic at you and runs away*_

_inspired by 'some nights (intro)' and 'some nights' by fun._

* * *

**some nights (1)**

_Adult_._ Kid._

_Mature. Young._

While these terms aren't completely contradictory, the core meaning is obvious:

Jeff is too old and Annie is too young.

Normally, this wouldn't matter. Wait, not normally... _before_. _Before_ this wouldn't have mattered at all. Ages were for passports and credit cards. But now... ugh. Now, things are slightly different.

Annie is a person. And he's in too deep to pretend she isn't one. He knows her favourite colour (purple) and her favourite dessert (vanilla ice-cream). And:

Jeff – though this is fairly new – has a conscience. A lot of the time he wishes he hadn't gotten one, because consciences suck and what does he need one for any way? He certainly doesn't need one for being a lawyer, or for being rich. He only needs one for being a better person, and he doesn't need to be a better person to be a lawyer or to be rich _so what is going on?_

Jeff has a conscience now and he doesn't want one. Because this is what his conscience tells him:

Jeff is too old and Annie is too young.

Jeff is not too old to find Annie attractive.

Jeff is not too old to want to flirt with Annie...

Jeff is too old to flirt with Annie.

Jeff is not too old to want to lean a little closer when she talks, or when she stops talking...

Jeff is too old to lean closer. Ever.

Jeff is not too old to have feelings for Annie...

Jeff is too old to have _those_ kind of feelings for Annie.

Jeff is _not_ too old to want to kiss Annie.

Jeff _is_ too old to kiss Annie.

Or maybe Jeff is too old to want any of these things.

Because Jeff is too old and Annie is too young and it can't work out.

_(some nights i pray a sign is gonna come to me)_

Some nights Jeff stays up all night researching acceptable, non-awkward couples with an... above-average age difference. Evidence, if you must. He spends the night googling, playing over different scenarios in his head, planning the case he could make to Annie and to everyone else. _I'm not a creep, other people have a large age gap too and they're just fine!_

He's drunk, of course. When he wakes up in the morning, he pretends it didn't happen, even when he's the only one around. (Besides, it's not like he's Abed, who has life down to an exact science. Or Annie for that case, but it's never good to think about her that early in the morning – it makes his head hurt.)

_(some nights i say 'fuck it all' and stare at the calendar)_

So there are nights like those, when he wants to plan everything and work everything out and be proven that he's _not_ a creepy old dude... and then there were other nights. Other nights when his thoughts are less than respectable and when he has to not drink at all because sometimes alcohol can make him do stupid things and the stupid things that are on his mind /_those_/ nights are going to her (and Abed and Troy's) apartment with less than noble intentions because yeah, fine, _he's a dude_, well spotted.

Those nights are when he plays over every less than noble thought he has ever had about her ever over and over in his head until he's pretty sure he's gonna go insane unless he finds her and, um... _acts_ on those less than noble thoughts.

Yup. Those nights are pretty bad.

_(but usually i'm just trying to get some sleep.)_

Other nights he's just empty.

Other nights he's perfectly fine.

Other nights he's all right, actually.

_(tea parties and twitter, i've never been so bitter)_

Because, yeah, _he's a dude_, but he's _not_ some sort of lovesick puppy. He's Jeff Winger. People's feelings, people's actions- they don't affect _him_.

OK, so Annie's doe eyes do. But they even affect _Abed_ for god's sake.

Point being, Jeff Winger may want a lot of things from Annie, but he doesn't _need_ her. He needs people, of course, because he is a human being. But no one _specifically_.

OK, _the point being_: If he wants sex he can get it. The fact that no one has spent the night in a while doesn't mean he was 'having a dry spell' and it doesn't mean that he's 'hung up on somebody else'... he just didn't feel like it was all. That and his stupid, newly acquired conscience. Which he hates. In case he hasn't mentioned that already.

_(and you, why do you wanna stay...?_

But what he doesn't understand is Annie... Annie knows how he feels about her, he's sure of it. She's not stupid, and he's already gone out of his way to tell her that he... has feelings for her (dammit). And they had both agreed that it was creepy and gross. And now, every time that the subject gets too touchy, every time he stands too close to her, every time he catches himself gazing into her eyes a little longer than allowed (damn, he needed to stop doing that), he'd bring up the words.

_Adult. Kid._

_Mature. Young._

Though, now that Annie's getting older, these terms are getting less and less effective.

But... why doesn't _she_ try and stop it?

They had _both_ agreed that it was creepy and gross. The two of them. Together.

And when he stands too close to her, she stands too close to him, too.

And when he catches himself gazing into her eyes, she's always gazing back.

He knows when women find him attractive- wait, that's not fair, all women do.

Okay, he knows that Annie likes him.

But it's creepy and gross so _why is she still here?_ Why isn't she even making an effort to stop being so adorable and likeable and cute and _nice_ and hot and _funny_ around him! Once, he hadn't put deodorant on, to drive her away, for their friendship's sake! (Of course, he had then gone to his car to put some on because, no matter how jeopardized their relationship may be, he doesn't _hate _himself.)

_(... oh my god have you listened to me lately__)_

**xxx**

Jeff paces the room.

_You're just going to dinner with the group. No need to get all school-boy and cheese over dinner with the group. No more than two drinks, no peering down her shirt and you should be fine._

_You great, big asshole_, he then adds.

He storms into his bathroom, checks his hair - it shouldn't look like he spent _too_ long working on it - looks himself in the eyes, realizes what a terrible cliché that is, scowls at himself and storms out of the bathroom and out of his apartment. You know, sometimes it's scary how much he acts like a teenage girl. Sure, he doesn't act like a teenage girl much, but he still does it, and that's bad enough. Ugh.

_Britta, Abed, restaurant. Britta, Abed, restaurant. De-girl yourself before restaurant. Hopefully before Britta and Abed._

_You huge dick_.

Oh god. Tonight is not a good night.

x

Tonight is kind of alright.

Jeff compliments Annie in a non-creepy, carefree way, and he achieves this by complimenting all three girls and Troy (because he feels left out), too. He passes her the salt, but he also passes Britta and Abed the salt.

She's not even a little bit close to him. Shirley is on his right, Pierce is on his left, Britta is right in front of him, Abed is next to Britta, Annie is next to Abed and Troy is in front of Annie. Meaning Jeff can just see Annie, but it's no big deal, because, in fact, he barely thinks about Annie that much at all. Which sounds selfish, but really it's just average. Because, as he pointed out before, he does _not_ think about her 24/7.

And he's pretty sure _she_ doesn't think about him anymore, anyways. He peers at her from the corner of his eye – she's laughing at something Troy's saying. But she seems to sense his (really subtle) glance, and she smiles at him.

At least, he hopes not (he really does... kind of).

His grip on his beer bottle tightens. _No, Jeff. You're doing it again. You're thinking about it! Dammit. Think about something else, quick, you're acting like an idiot_. Next thing he knows, he has the Daybreak song in his head. Britta looks up from her plate to frown at him- can she hear it too? Wait, no, that makes no sense.

"Jeff," she begins carefully, "are you-?"

"Thirty- _Thirsty_? Yes." Oh god, now he's visibly freaking out – _wonderful_. He picks up his beer and downs the whole thing. And now he has Britta, Shirley, Abed and Pierce's attention.

Britta grins.

"Jeff, you're kind of totally freaking out. What's up?"

Jeff scowls at her. "Nothing's up, okay Britta, everything's down. Except for your terrible hairstyle that you've quite obviously chosen because Troy complimented your neck last week, which, by the way is a pretty creepy thing to compliment, Troy." The grin vanishes from Britta's face and she gasps - oh, what an _Annie_ move, goddammit!

"You- you just said I looked nice!"

"Well I _lied_! You look like a toddler. What happened to the leather jacket, Britta? What happened?"

Britta folds her arms.

"I don't believe you, _you_ think I look good, and that's-"

"Jeffrey!" Shirley intervenes before Jeff gets to say another word. "You stop acting like an ass right now! I don't know what's gotten into you! You were fine not two seconds ago!"

"What the hell, Shirley? You're not my mother," Jeff retorts angrily, and Shirley's eyes bulge.

"That's right I ain't, we are the same age, old man, so you better keep it together! There are still a few more years to go until your midlife crisis!"

Silence.

Jeff is pale. Britta is staring at him with wide, concerned eyes. Shirley realizes she's hit a sore spot, and immediately looks less murderous.

"Oh, Jeffrey, I'm sorry..."

"It's fine. It's fine," Jeff assures her, though he pulls his hand away when she tries to hold it. "Like... Whatever." He stands up aprubtly, avoiding Annie's eye, and whole face-area. "I'm gonna leave." He tries for a laugh, fails. "See you guys Monday."

He hears her calling out for him but he ignores it - for a smart girl, she really wasn't that smart, and what a smart person would do would be stay away.

He gets into his car and leaves, ignoring her stationary sillouhette in the rearview mirror, that gets lost in the darkness.

_(i've been fucking crazy)_

x

Come Monday, Jeff is not looking forward to the study room. He proved himself to be insane and he does not need anyone's sympathy as he spirals further into that insanity thanks to the brunnette on his left.

Of course, he was going to pretend that none of it had actually happened. Like, _I ran off halfway through dinner for no apparent reason? Oh, that? That was nothing. I remebered that... My house was on fire- oh god lawyer brain have you dissappeared completely?_

He hopes that it won't just be Annie in the study room, therefore implying a cliché coming to terms with their problems and relationship. That was definitely a finale he thought he deserved. Or, speaking of finales, maybe Abed would be there, alone, waiting to tell him all the times this had been done in TV and to offer a few words of wisdom. Or Britta to say 'I told you so' even though she didn't actually tell him so. Or Troy, to be waiting for Abed, and to give him some totally misguided advice that Jef wouldn't pretend to understand even though to Troy it made perfect sense. Or Shirley, to threaten him about Annie. Or Pierce to make some exist comment and then congratulate him on the sex (that he was not getting, consequently).

But no, none of these scenarios are carried out, because when Jeff enters the Study Room the entire group is already there... standing around the table, smiling at him.

"What the-?"

"Surprise!" they chant, and Jeff notices the... _birthday cake_ on the table.

"Happy Unbirthday!" Annie sings before he can ask.

"Apparently it's not too early for you to have a mid-life crisis," Shirley begins, but Abed interrupts.

"It's not an Alice in Wonderland Unbirthday, it's an actual Unbirthday. You get to take one year off your age- or two, but I wouldn't push it."

"Ages are for passports and credit cards," Troy smiles. "Real ones, that is."

Jeff frowns, trying to process all of this, looking from smiling face to smiling face, to confused Pierce, to stoic Abed and then back to Troy.

"What are you on ab- who told you that?"

Troy's smile wavers.

"You did."

Jeff shakes his head quickly, stares at them all... and smiles.

"Wow, um... thanks guys!" he grins, hoping he doesn't sound nearly as sarcastic as he feels. _This will solve **all** my problems_!

But the rest of the group seem content. Except maybe Britta, and perhaps Annie. But that's four out of six so it's fine by him.

"How many years?" Abed asks, suddenly right beside him and holding a knife. Jeff blinks.

"Um..."_ Why the hell not?_ "I'll go for two."

"Done and done," Abed concludes with such conviction that Jeff very _almost_ believes him. He's handed a piece of unbirthday cake and he takes a bite. He'll probably regret this later, but he doesn't mind, because Annie's staring right at him.

_Almost_.

x

It's after the party when things really start to look down.

Jeff's freaking out because his night-terrors, or worries, or whatever you want to call them, are quite obviously seeping into reality and they're getting harder and harder to ignore.

So after the twenty-minute eating of cake and being happy, he finds himself even sadder than he was before, and it's so pathetic he can't stand it.

He smiles until he makes it to the doorway, but then he's out and storming across the campus, feeling like _such an idiot_, and it's not a mid-life crisis because he's not even really _that_ old, and that was a really nice sentiment the Study Group had, but it's the Study Group's fault any of this is happening anyway. It's the Study Group's fault he has feelings, it's the Study Group's fault that he feels the need to come to _term_ with those feelings, it's the Study Group's fault he cares about things that aren't him now, it's the Study Group's fault he cares about other people, it was the Study Group's fault he cares about _her_...

He's sitting in his car, staring at the steering wheel moodily when she find him. She opens the door and sits in the passenger seat beside him. He can feel her eyes on him, but he can't bring himself to look at her because he's acting more childish than she is and that's not good, at all, ever.

"Jeff?" she begins tentatively. "You're not alright."

Jeff bites back the, 'No shit, Sherlock!' hanging off his tongue, because she didn't ask, she told him, and it was so nice for someone else to tell him that there was something wrong, no dancing around it, no cakes. It was solid proof it wasn't all in his head.

He sighs and leans back in his chair.

"No," he says. He turns to look at her, and it's like being punched in the chest. But a good punched in the chest. He hasn't looked at her properly in what's probably been a week, and his memory never seems to match up to her wide blue eyes that say she genuinely cares, the long lashes framing them. The perfect chesnut hair that's been brushed probably a billion times today alone, the ridiculous disney-princess roundness of her face, the perfectness of her lips... _Oh god_. He looks away and back at the steering wheel. The steering wheel doesn't have nice lips. "I'm really not."

He starts the car and she doesn't argue, complain, or speak at all. He can feel her gaze leave him, and he relaxes a little. He's not exactly sure where he's planning on going, but driving has always relaxed him, and somehow having the object of his inner-turmoil sitting right beside him in an enclosed space makes him feel a billion times calmer. Talk about weird, huh?

He's been driving nowhere in particular with her sitting right next to him for about ten minutes when she laughs.

And it's not a nice laugh- nope. It's a goddamn creepy laugh. It almost makes him stop the car, and it sure as hell sends shivers down his spine.

He sidles a glance at her, trying to keep his eye on the road, and she's still laughing. Cackling, even. He swallows.

"Wh-What are you doing?" he asks carefully. He's been witness to Annie-fits too many times, and he is not prepared for another - especially since he's driving and enjoys not crashing cars and being alive.

"Oh, Jeff," she sighs. "You are _such_ a drama queen."

Well then.

They're just outside town and there's a sort-of barren wasteland and a few garbage cans. It seems like a pretty secluded place, and the sky is a clear blue. This should make him feel calmer, but in fact, it just makes him angrier. He pulls over right there and then, turns of the engine and grips the steering wheel tight. She's stopped laughing.

"Oh my god, Annie, I am _not_ having a mid-life crisis!"

"Don't you think I know that?" she snaps back, and Jeff looks at her in surprise. "Of course I know what's up with you Jeff, and frankly, I'm angry, and annoyed, and considering never speaking to you again." The ex-lawyer opens his mouth but she cuts right through, her eyes suddenly ablaze with an almost terrifying sort of... anger? "Look at _me_," she almost shrieks, "_I'm_ Jeff Winger, I can't care about people so I'm going to moan and be depressed about it instead, bringing _everyone_ else around me dow,n because they love me, therefore, they don't deserve happiness, they deserve this _impassive slug_. And I'm not going to _talk_ about my feelings, or try to sort things out with the party involved! I'm just going to get drunk all the time and be alone because no one understands me and of course_ no one else_ feels this way because I'm special and everyone else is dumb and bluhbluhbluhbluh_BLUH_!"

Jeff blinks once.

Twice.

Annie's red in the face and she's beginning to look slightly embarassed (and rightfully so, Jeff thinks, but he doesn't mention it).

He tries for speech again, but she puts her hand up and turns back around in her seat, now taking to looking out the front window at the garbage cans ahead.

"Just... just take me back to school, please," she mumbles in a small voice.

Jeff obeys without another word, but now he's more confused than ever before.

* * *

_please review! it's a two-parter! :)_


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